I’ve been trying not to make writing about my feelings a habit, especially here on Medium. First, I’m not used to talking about “feelings” at all, and second, I just think that it is cringey. However, some say that writing is good for the soul, and it’s not like I have anyone else to turn to. Furthermore, I feel like there are a number of things that I need to get off my chest. Perhaps by doing this, I could make sense of everything that has happened thus far, or at least figure out where everything started to go wrong.
Where should I start? Well, I guess it first started when I got used to failure and disappointment. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t think it matters to try anymore. Well, perhaps it’s an exaggeration to say that. At the very least, I question the point of the efforts. Why am I even trying this? Will I be happy with what I do? Moreover, will the contentment and happiness last?
You see, suffering through a failure or two is good for the soul. I believe that it can really help someone learn from their mistakes and hopefully succeed in the future. However, for this mixture to work, you have to at least taste the sweetness of success every once in a while in what you do. If you never succeed at all, well, then it will only eat into your self-efficacy and self-esteem. It is a toxin for the mind, and frankly, I’m not healthy at all. I’ve come to the point where I would expect failure and disappointment in everything I do. Mediocrity at its finest. I feel like I’m going around in circles, even though I tried my best in what I do. I have to admit, it’s not like what I have ever done so far was perfect. I’m not going to delude myself into thinking that I excelled in everything compared to others. I have to make do with the tools I already have, all the personality quirks, and all things that my conditioning and genetics gave me. But I did invest nearly everything in certain endeavours, and with this, I am honest. I put my heart and soul into the things I did, and I was genuinely passionate about what I did. I didn’t find for myself some time and energy to spare for these endeavors; instead, I made the time and energy for them. But still, everything ended up as if they didn’t really matter. It still ended up with nothing and I am now back to square one. So what did I achieve within the last 2 years? Nothing. It doesn’t matter how hard one tries — there is no medal for effort (A+ for effort HA) — if he’s not good enough, then he’s not good enough, and people will still think that he’s worthless and useless.
Perhaps this is why talent invites envy; perhaps this is why confidence invites envy. I’ve seen how talented people get by with their talent and less effort than anyone else in what they do. To this, I cannot really blame them. They really are good at what they do, and that’s that. But the annoying thing is that confident people can get by just by bluffing other people. Their work isn’t that good at times, but just because they’re loud and everywhere, people think that they’re more than what they are, and that’s just weird.
And now here I am. For 2 bloody years I find myself constantly exhausted with things, constantly anxious of the future, and always feeling lost and isolated. Why do I even bother trying things if the result will always end up in failure or mediocrity? Why do I even bother to try if people who put less effort into things are able to get more from their efforts? For 2 years, I always feel dejected and exhausted with everything I do. I don’t even feel like putting much effort into anything else, at least for most things in the time being. But even in the things that I really put my effort into (such as my college application Ha Ha), I can’t even bring myself to hope to pass the selection process anymore. It’s not like I actively try not to hope for it, but I’ve gone to the point where it is even harder to hope for anything at all.
Such is life. Well, perhaps you’re tired of hearing me complain about everything. But perhaps you should’ve seen this coming from the title, and the first few paragraphs, so it is your fault (hehe). But truly, even after writing all of these, nothing still makes sense. It feels horrible to know that people constantly look the worst in me and discard me as if nothing really matters while I try to always see the better in them and put in the effort to help them and make them happy. It feels terrible to know that all my efforts in things only ended up in exactly nothing. I constantly wonder what is wrong with me. Is it my personality? Am I just an unlikeable person? Am I perhaps stupider than other people? Where did I go wrong? Did I do something terrible? Am I just unlucky, or is God trying to punish me for not believing in Him (bite me!)?
I feel like I need to rest. Am I depressed? I don’t know, although I’m certainly unhappy with how things are. I’m tired, and I want to sleep for three days straight, or maybe not wake up at all for like a month or so. I feel like quitting everything and leading a good-for-nothing life of a shut-in. Everything ends up the same anyway, does it not? I’m so frustrated with how things are, and I feel like I’m constantly going in circles, putting much effort into something, hoping for it to work out, only for it to end in a ball of fire. I want to quit this life, but I don’t want to die either… Dying is scary…
…I wonder what I should do then…
Well, this is not entirely productive, is it? I’m now sitting in my chair at my office, working for other people. At first I enjoyed it since it allowed me (still does, perhaps) to run awaaay from my worries, but as it turns out, running away from my problems isn’t exactly a good way to solve them. And now I feel that I’m just stuck doing something I don’t like, not serving any purpose for me, while at the same time taking away from me my time and energy to actually do something that I like.
I would guess that I need help, but then no one will (or can?) help me anyway. I am not Ok, but I guess it is normal to not be Ok, to constantly feel like breaking apart from the inside while desperately trying to keep things together. It’s not like people will come around asking if everything is OK. Even when I thought that I’d found someone whom I could trust and share my troubles with, well… that ended well, did it not? It’s tiring to always try to keep an outwardly-happy appearance. People always expect you to be happy, don’t they, especially those with whom you’re not close? It is just plain weird for them to see you suddenly break down and complain about everything wrong with your life. I guess that’s why I am doing this: to have a minor mental breakdown in public (oh who am I kidding. Who’s gonna read this at all?), yet anonymously. It is fun to whine and complain to others and hopefully get some attention (or some help, right? ha ha).
God I feel like a teenager. Stop reading this. Ironically, writing this is easier than my currently-unfinished project…